It was the 19th August 2009, and my whole world came crashing down.
The woman who I though loved me and shared 3 beautiful children with had decided that she didn’t love me anymore and wanted to go back with her ex and move back to her home town (Burnley), and she promised me that she would not stop me seeing my children, needless to say, she lied, the result of this lead to me to a full psychological & emotional breakdown , that was that serious I ended up on my mum’s doorstep with half the skin on my right arm peeled off by a pair of nail scissors.
The next morning I checked myself into the local psychiatric hospital and I stayed there for the next 2 weeks.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and borderline personality disorder (split personality) and I was put onto medication.
I stayed with my parents for the next few months and it was difficult, especially with certain people saying “just get over it” and “she is not worth it” etc, I found myself lashing out verbally and physically at family members and friends which obviously caused more problems,
Then I met another woman who accepted me for all my issues and gave me good advice and an amount of love that had been lacking for a long time, shortly after we started dating, she fell pregnant with my youngest daughter and things started to look up, but my demons had other ideas, they reared their ugly heads again and they caused problems (losing my temper massively over the smallest thing, argumentative, and no regard for workplaces and management etc).
Eventually that relationship found its breaking point and I was alone again.
I tried keeping my mind busy (enrolling into college to do sports science) but then I ruptured my Achilles and I was relieved of my place in the class (another blow).
I then got very ill with Pneumonia and could barely move, walk, etc but somehow I managed to walk to my mother’s house (around 3.5 miles away) and I collapsed on her doorstep.
It took me over 4 years before I realised I had to do something about this, (up to this point I had numerous deaths in the family and another relationship go belly up).medication was making to sleepy to work and my body clock was all out of sync, and I’d also blown 2 discs out of my back when I tried going back to work. so I thought I’d give meditation a try (guided ones) and I started with short sessions 15 minutes and grew the time more and more over the coming months, to the point where I was going an hour at a time and it did help, I also found wrestling training and I got a puppy, which also helped tremendously.
I am happy to say that I have been around 3 years without a relapse of anger or violent thought and I still meditate today, also yoga has become a part of my routine (DDP Yoga to be exact) and I believe enough in myself that I can manage these demons better now more than ever.
And to all reading this, I am only a DM or message away if you ever need to talk regardless of how trivial or daft it sounds, you do not have to suffer in silence.
“we all have demons, it’s learning to live above them that’s important”
#mentalheathalawareness
